


You can't deny what you really want

by princesssroyalpinkpanties



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Daddy Issues, First Love, First Time, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Prostitute Jared Padalecki, Prostitution, Sexual Violence, Young Jared Padalecki, Young Jensen Ackles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-12-08
Packaged: 2018-08-21 17:35:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8254489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princesssroyalpinkpanties/pseuds/princesssroyalpinkpanties
Summary: AU: A young Jensen, raised in a conservative family, wants to have his first time. Jared, a twink prostitute with a tragic past  can help him with that. With Jared, Jensen discovers not only feelings he didn't know he had, but a different side of himself. A side that only Jared can bring. Together, they learn what is like to be brave. And to be proud.





	1. No one goes to heaven

Jensen woke up with a gasp, slowly coming back to consciousness. A thick layer of sweat covering his forehead. He quickly realized what startled him when he looked down to his pajamas shorts and felt the sticky wetness. _Shit, not this again_. He got up and changed his clothes before any member of his family could get in his bedroom.

He's been having these dreams for a while now, dreams where he feels a pleasure he never experienced in his life. Pleasure that normally ends up with him jizzing in his pants while sleeping. The shame is only supressed by his need to feel that pleasure again, but with someone else involved.

His family would never agree to that. His father was a Shepherd in one of the biggest churches of Austin, his mom was a conservative who only believed in sex after marriage. Jensen grew up being the subject of both parents biggest hopes and expectations. He _hated_ that. And he didn't care anymore, he needed to get that fire out of his chest.

So, after he finished helping his father at the church on a sunday morning, he quickly got away with the excuse of having an essay to deliver the next day and he would go to a friend's house to write it. He got into his car, a used honda civic, and drove to another part of the city, far away from known eyes.

He really talked with a friend at college (business, like his dad wanted to) about an _issue._ Said friend told him that he would find the answer to this issue in the place where he stood right now. A wealthy _whore house._

Jensen never felt so nervous and excited at the same time. He was sure that this was what he wanted, what he _needed it._

He walked through the men and women, some of them already missing a piece of clothing. There was so many beautiful woman, _and men_ , a voice inside his head echoed, a voice he tried to ignore. But that voice screamed louder than his reason when he saw him.

* * *

Jared noticed the boy who entered the room immediately. Buttoned shirt tucked into khaki pants. That blonde, slicked back, hair matching perfectly with the big green eyes and those lips like fleshy, pink, peaches; Jared wanted him.

Their eyes met only for a second, but then the boy looked back at him, amazed and scared. Jared walked towards him.

"Hello there. You don't look like someone who fits here. What can I help you with, sweetie?" Jared placed his hands on his cheeks.

"No-Nothing, thank you. I'm looking for a girl." The boy replied, starting to sweat.

"Are you sure? I can make you feel so good, you wouldn't want a girl ever again."

The boy swallowed hard. _You know you want this too, baby._ Jared knew a closeted man when he saw one.

"No... No. Thank you, I'm looking for a girl." He replied, again. Still unsure.

"Okay then, go ahead. I'll wait for you here there." Jared pointed to a bedroom door.

He walked away from the boy, sensing his eyes on him. He stopped in front of the door and looked back. He was still looking at him. Jared blew him a kiss and entered the room.

Exactly 5 minutes later, someone knocked on the door.

* * *

_I am lost. I am lost. Oh, this feels so good. Oh, this is so damn good. I'm so lost._

Jensen was laying down the bed wearing only his boxers. The boy, who he found out was called Jared, was kissing what felt like every nervous cell of his body. Jensen didn't had to tell him he was a virgin, Jared knew.

"Well, I'm a good person, so I'm gonna give you a first time you'll never forget. Like I said, sweetie, you won't need a girl after me." He said. And Jensen was starting to believe him. _I am so lost._

His cock was so hard, he felt like it would tear his boxers apart. Jared's hands were all over him, pressing his niples, caressing his dick with a soft touch. When Jared's tongue touched his lips, opening them, Jensen felt an eletric current run through his body. He kissed back with such an urgency, his hands running through Jared's short, soft, brown hair.

Jared started to kiss his way down to Jensen's dick. Jensen was afraid that a simple touch would make him shot everything he had inside of him, but that didn't happened. Jared put Jensen's dick into his mouth so gently. He sucked him slowly, but then so fast that Jensen had to bite his fist to keep him from screaming. When he felt he was coming he tried to push Jared away, but Jared kept sucking him and received the white, thick liquid like someone who was thirsty.

"You want me to teach you how to fuck someone in the ass?" Jared whispered into his ear.

"Y-Yes." Jensen's vision was blurry. This was so much better than his dreams.

And Jared taught him. Jared taught him how to lick someone's ass until they're ready to get fucked. He taught him how to slip his fingers into the rim to find that special spot that can make any man go crazy. Jared taught him how to thrust his dick inside of his soft, beautiful ass.

When Jensen's dick was inside Jared, Jensen slapping that white ass until he got pink, coming inside of him while Jared relieved his shot on the bed, kissing his sweaty neck and his pink lips. When Jensen fucked Jared, he didn't feel lost at all.

After, Jensen dressed his pants again and looked for the money. He gave Jared two times the money he charged.

"Thank you." _No one says thank you after sex, you idiot_.

Jared gave him a sad smile. He was already wearing his leather jacket and tight pants. "You're welcome. This was nice, for a change." He took the money out of Jensen's hands and gave him a little kiss.

"Be back anytime you want, sweetie." He said, walking away.

He knew he was coming back. Jensen wanted to fuck that sweet ass again. He left the brothel and went home, and he didn't felt guilty this time.

 

 

 


	2. Don't hide yourself in regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even in fiction, reality is just next door. The reality of prostitution, of what gay boys and girls go through everyday, is something I can only imagine. If, by accident, I hurt/disrespect anyone, please, let me know. I don't mean that AT ALL. Stay strong and always keep fighting. Thank you.

Jared woke up to the sound of people fucking in the bedroom next door. The constant knocking of the bed on the wall was already giving him a headache by the time he got to the bathroom to get ready for another day. _I can't wait to get out of this shithole_. Had he the money, he would be out of Austin into a plane to L.A in a second.

After the shower, he sat in front of a little dressing table with a broken mirror and applied his favorite lipstick, coral pink, and made a thin line near his eyelashes with a cheap eyeliner. He was dressed with skinny black pants and a crop top. He checked himself in the mirror and tried his best to feel pretty. _Too bad another man will get to beat my ass today, dad. At least they  will pay for it._ He gave a sour smile to the face looking back at him in the mirror and got out of his bedroom.

Jared lived in the back room of the brothel he worked at. The owner had given him that much in exchange of his services, but the truth was that she felt bad for him. After he got kicked out of his house by his abusive dad because he was a _faggot_ , Jared had to do what he could to keep his stomach full. He didn't complained, it was the only way he could save money to leave.

He was going out to the nearest bakery to eat get some breakfast. With his headphones on, he selected his favorite playlist, starting with _born this way_ by Lady Gaga, and walked out of the brothel.

When he was outside he saw the cute boy who lost his virginity with him, Jensen, getting out of his car. He was wearing a red tank top and jeans. Jared couldn't help but notice how big his arms were, his muscles contracting as he closed the door. He saw Jared.

"Hey!" He said, running to catch up. "Where are you going?"

"A little too early in the morning, don't you think? Your parents are out of town or something?" Jared joked.

Jensen made a grumpy face. "They are, actually." Both of them started laughing.

"Well, then there's no rush. You can pay for my breakfast, if you don't mind being seen with a whore." Jared started walking, putting one of his headphones back on and extending the other one to Jensen.

"Lady Gaga, huh?" Jensen asked when he put the headphone.

"She helps me get through the day" he replied, humming the song. " _Rejoice and love yourself today, cause baby you were born this way_ "

Jared didn't tried to start a conversation, but Jensen made an effort to make him talk. He asked about his taste in music, "Anything that makes me feel good"; his favorite color, "Pink". Jared answered the questions with a growing curiosity about the boy.

The bakery was nearly empty that time in the morning, so they could eat without any side-eyed judgement. Jared wondered if Jensen was thinking about this, but he didn't looked worried.

"So... you do what... you do. Why? You're trying to pay for college?" Jensen finally asked, when they were eating.

"Maybe, when I become of age I can think about going to college. But no, I'm saving money for something else." Jared watched as Jensen's face turned pink under the fluff of hair that was starting to grow.

"How... old are you?"

"I'm about to turn seventeen, sweetie." He knew that expression, the startled look of someone realising they can get into trouble. "Don't worry about it, you can go and choose another hooker. After you pay for the food." He laughed.

Jensen didn't respond, instead he asked:

 "So, what's your favorite type of candy?"

Jared looked into his eyes, for the first time noticing how big and green they were, and smiled. "I love those rainbows candies. I could eat a whole sack of those."

* * *

 

After they ate, Jared returned to the brothel with Jensen. He followed Jared to his room.

"So... Jared. I'm still pretty much lost in this _sex life_ thing. I'm confused about everything, including why I felt the need to have sex with you instead of some gir-"

Jared interrupted Jensen mid-sentence and put a finger in his mouth. He leaned in slowly, in case Jensen wanted to stop him - he didn't,  and kissed him. 

"When you can't understand your head, listen to your cock." He whispered in Jensen's ears, grabbing Jensen's hard dick through his pants. "I can help you with that." Jared kissed him again and he felt Jensen's  hesitation melt when his tongue started to move into his mouth.

 Jared was loving this. It was different from the other violent ogres he was used to have sex with. He had the power this time, because Jensen wanted to learn everything and Jared loved to answer his questions and to teach him. Jared loved to feel Jensen's gentle, almost careful, touch. He loved to see how much Jensen wanted to fuck him, even if it was just because he's never been with anyone else. He loved to feel tempting, to feel pretty.

For the first time, in a very long time, Jared was enjoying. For the first time, in a very long time, Jared's hard-on was real, not just a stimulation result. So, when Jensen said he wanted to know how it felt to suck a dick, Jared was happy to help. He guided Jensen on how he should move his head and his tongue.

"Please, tell me if I hurt you." Jensen asked. Jared laughed at how scared he looked, even if he was older than him.

But Jensen didn't hurt him. Jared closed his eyes when Jensen started to lick his head, his hands grabbing Jared's ass and pushing him into his mouth. Jared moaned, his body shaking, when Jensen got the hang of it and started to suck him with desire and urgency. Jared kept saying how good he was doing, he knew how much his men liked to hear his soft, needy voice. When he felt he would come, he warned Jensen to stop.  Jensen looked up to him.

"If it's okay, I would like to finish. I would... Really... Like to finish." Jensen said, kissing Jared's groin. Jared couldn't say no to that.

It didn't took long, Jared shot the white, thick, liquid into Jensen's mouth. He looked, curious, at Jensen and saw him gagging just a little before swallowing.

"Well, you did a very good job." Jared said, catching his breath. "You can't get more gayer than that, sweetie."

Later, Jared waited for Jensen to get dressed. He watched, pleased, the way his body moved. His broad shoulders, his strong legs, his delicate hands, all looked beautiful. Jensen caught him staring and started to blush. _He's so cute._

"S- So, you have plans for tonight?" Jensen asked "I'm not hitting on you... I guess I just need to talk."

Jared looked at him. _How could I say no to these big, confused, eyes? C'mon, let's help this poor boy to get out of his closet._

"You can meet me in the park, next to the bakery we went earlier, after the sunset. No one will disturb us."

* * *

As soon as his last job ended, Jared took a shower and got dressed with his most well behaved clothes: jeans, a cheap velvet jacket and a black scarf. He left earlier, cause he liked to enjoy the sunset view at the park.

He sat on the bench and watched, closing his eyes when the bright orange light hit him.

"Looks like you and I had the same idea." Someone said next to him. It was Jensen, sitting beside him. "I enjoy watching the sunset too." Jared smiled, without saying anything.

They sat there, in silence, for a while enjoying the last light of the day. Jared was feeling peaceful, he always felt like that watching the sunset, and he was glad Jensen didn't interrupted that moment.

"So, what you wanna talk about?" He asked.

Jensen had that scared look in his eyes again. "You're gay, right?"

Jared laughed. "Yes, the last time I checked."

"I've never felt attracted to any girl before, but I never thought of the reason. How did you know for sure?"

"I was 13. My first crush was a boy and I kissed him. After that, I kissed plenty of girls, but none of them had the same effect. I just knew. If I wasn't sure by then, I pretty much figured it out after my dad kicked me out because he didn't want a _faggot_ for a son." He laughed with sneer.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry. How old were you?"

"15." Jared replied.

Jensen didn't say anything. Jared knew he was feeling pity for him.

"Listen, you don't just become gay out of nowhere. This feeling was already there, just burried somewhere deep." Jared said. "Think about it for a second."

"My dad will kill me if I do. My father is a very religious, very influent man. He would never-" Jensen's voice broke.

Jared was the one who was sorry, now. He knew too well how it was to be denied, ignored, by family. He wouldn't wish something like that to no one and Jensen was too good for that. He put his hand on Jensen's shoulder, trying to comfort him.

"I know you're scared. Family should support and accept you, but we know that doesn't happen to all of us. You just have to be brave enough to make a choice. It's _your_ life."

Jared waited, patiently, for Jensen to think about what he said. His hand still on his shoulder. After a minute, Jensen started laughing.

"How many times have this happened to you, huh? You take a boy's virginity just so he can find out he's gay. And you're younger than me!"

Jared laughed too. "But hey, I did warned you that after me you wouldn't need a girl."

"Yeah, I guess I should've listened to you." Jensen gave him a small push. 

Jared liked Jensen, after all, he had the balls to come back and have sex with him again, even confused and scared, and was brave enough to talk about it with a complete stranger. Jensen had a completely different life than Jared, but there they were, sitting side by side talking about the thing they had in common. 

And they had a lot in common, Jared found out as they started talking about everything that came to mind.

"What's your kind of music?" It was Jared's turn to ask.

"Anything that makes me feel something, not just good. If I wasn't in business school, I've always dreamed about making music for a living. I think there is no better way to show your feelings." Jensen said.

"Well, I think you should go for it. I've always dreamed about being an actor and that's what I'm gonna do, when I have enough money to leave this place. You should never give up on anything, or anyone, you want."

* * *

It was starting to get late when Jared decided to go home. Jensen walked with him, talking about the his father's church and how he started working in a shop to keep him from spending more time there. Jared enjoyed the sound of his voice and didn't mind listening to it for a little longer.

When they arrived at the brothel, Jared stood there. "So, what will you do now, Jensen?"

"I don't know. It was nice talking to you, Jared. You gave me a lot to think about." 

"What is it?" He asked when Jensen started to stare at him.

"If it's okay..." Jensen said, lowering his voice. "What I _want_ to do now is kiss you again. I can think about the rest later."

Jared just nodded. He wanted that too. Later, _they_ would think about a lot of things.


	3. Something more

The sun was high on the sky, the weather light and warm. Jensen was sitting in a bench in front of the lake, a beer bottle in his hand, enjoying the sunlight when his friend Jason arrived.  He turned his head to the shadow and smiled.

"Hey, bud-" Jason stopped, looking at Jensen's hand. "Since when you started drinking beer?"

"Since the day I found out how good it tasted." Jensen laughed.  He knows Jason was trying to figure out what the hell happened to him. Jensen himself wasn't sure of what happened.

When he arrived home, on the night he and Jared talked at the park, Jensen spent the whole night awake, thinking about his life, the way he lived it. Or the way he _didn't_ lived it. It took having sex with a hooker, a _male hooker,_ and facing the truth of his newly discovered sexuality to Jensen realise that he wasn't happy. Having sex for the first time really is a life-changing experience.

When he woke in the next morning, something in him was changed. Or, at least, _wanted_ to change, and that's a big step. He figured he might as well live his life the way he wanted to, since he was going to hell anyways. And that's what's he's been trying to do for the past week.

He thought about Jared, the skinny, _almost seventeen_ years old boy that introduced him to this brand new world. The boy who had the guts to accept who we was, that fought his way into the world when he was just a teenager, that turned his back to his past and his fucked up family to live on his own terms. To go after his dreams. A little spark burned in Jensen's heart, a fond smile forming at the corner of his lips. He admired Jared. _Maybe I could go see him today._ The image of Jared's lips appeared, the thin line of smooth skin, the pink color glowing with it's wetness.

"So, what happened to you?" Jason pushed him out of his wandering, going straight to the point.

Jensen stared at the lake. "I don't know, man. I think I just got tired of living the way I lived. You should know, you were the one that told me to go to that brothel in the first place." Jason was a couple years younger than Jensen, they grew up together, his parents went to the same church that Jensen's family. But his family weren't as near as traditional as Jensen's. So they were pretty different.

"Wow- Wait, you actually went there? I thought you'd never have the guts!" Jason's face showed as much surprise as his voice. Jensen blushed.

"Shut up, idiot. Yeah, I went there. Thanks, by the way."

Jason tapped his hand on Jensen's back, like a proud dad. "Well, tell me! I can't believe my best friend lost his virginity." He laughed, he really was proud. Jensen felt like a big child who learned how to ride a bike.

"Yeah, about that... I discovered a thing or two." Jensen let out a heavy laugh. "I don't know myself as well as I thought I did."

"What do you mean?" Jason was serious now, listening.

Jensen dreaded this moment. _Coming out._ He was from a religious, rich family for God's sake. He wanted to hide that piece of him, ignore the shame, the fear, hide in the heterosexual manners he was raised with. It was easier than to face all the consequences of being gay. He knew it was wrong, he knew that he would never be happy hiding such an important part of himself. He knew he should be proud. He knew he should ignore that voice telling him that he was a freak, but he was _scared._

 _"You just have to be brave enough to make a choice. It's your life."_ Jared's voice echoed in his head.

He was right. The boy who listened to Lady Gaga, that used her voice as a way to tell himself that he was beautiful, that he did the right choice coming out, that it wasn't his fault because he was _born that way._ Jared was brave enough to make his choice and live with it. Jared understood him and helped him. Even when he needed help too.

Jensen remembered how he felt when he kissed Jared. No guilt. No shame. It _felt_ right. Jared's skin against his didn't felt wrong, the way he took Jensen inside himself didn't felt wrong. The way Jensen felt when he put Jared into his mouth, hearing Jared's pleasure, hands tracing his shaking body when he came inside his mouth. It didn't felt wrong, it felt devotional. _Divine._

Why would he let other people tell him that it was wrong?

Jason was still silent, waiting.

If he did this, it would be the point of no return.

"I'm gay." His voice clear, strong. Proud.

* * *

 

"I want to get wasted." The message says, simple. Jensen press the button and the message is send to the number Jared gave him the other night.

 _"Send me a message, some day, if you need to talk again. Or just want to get wasted."_ He said.

It doesn't take long before he get the answer.

"Meet me in the park. Sunset."

Jensen smiles. Blaming the beer for the chill that rushed through his body.

* * *

 

Jared is already there when he arrives, watching the sunset like the last time. Jensen sits, quiet, besides him and waits. He got the feeling that it was important, the silence.

Finally, Jared looks at him. He was wearing a darker tone of pink in his mouth than the other night. Jensen likes the color, part of his mind wondering how it would look, messed in his own lips. "Hello, sweetie." His voice is soft, Jensen thinks that's probably how a hug sounds like.

"I brought booze. I didn't know what you drink, so I brought vodka." Jensen say, trying to sound like he knows about alcohol.

Jared smiles, licking his lips. "You can never go wrong with vodka." He takes the bottle from Jensen's hands, opening. Jensen watches as he drink and his mouth falls a little. Jared didn't even frown.

He takes the bottle from Jared's hand, smelling the hot liquid. His face betrays him, making a scowl. He takes a small sip and feel as the vodka burned his way into his stomach. He coughs, aware of how stupid he must be looking.

Jared laughs. "So damn cute." His voice is low enough to Jensen pretend he didn't hear it.

He takes another gulp of alcohol.

"So, what's the reason of this sudden need to get wasted?" Jared asks, curious, but Jensen hears another thing in his voice - maybe worry?

"I wanted to thank you. I took a big step today, and I wouldn't be able to take it without that talk we had the other day." Jensen smiles, giving the bottle to Jared.

"And what big step was that?"

"I told my best friend that I'm gay." Jensen answer. "You know what he said to me? That he already knew. Bastard." Jensen laughs.

Jason was a good friend, Jensen never doubted that. The shame and the fear Jensen felt earlier was purely his own mind. Jason accepted the fact without even doubting Jensen's words. Jason asked about Jared and joked about the quality of his fucking skills, saying that only a strong dick could be able to break Jensen's closet. Of course, Jared didn't have to know that.

"He sounds like a good friend. Happy to hear that, you should be proud of yourself." Jared's eyes meet Jensen's, such an intense, honest look. He doesn't know why, but he trusts those eyes. Trusts that they would never lie to him.

"Thank you, Jared. You really helped me." He put his hand on Jared's, squeezing it for one second; then takes the bottle.

He and Jared talked all night, laughed for 10 minutes about a meme Jensen saw on facebook, ranted about the environment and global warming; Jensen even sang a little, after Jared insisted.

" Bye, bye, baby, it's been a sweet love, yeah, yeah

Though this feeling I can't change

But, please, don't take it so badly

'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame

But if I stayed here with you, girl

Things just couldn't be the same

'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

And this bird you'll never change

Lord knows I can't change"

"Lord, help me, I can't change." They say the last line together, looking at each other.

They stay silent for a moment. But Jensen's eyes never let go of Jared's, and he doesn't want to, really. They were hazel, now, but Jensen noticed that they had different colors when the light shined in them. Jensen could stare at them for hours, trying to know all the different colors. They were sad, a very deep sadness, that made them look so tired, but joyful at the same time, an eternal innocence carved in them, the kind of innocence you find in people with hope. Jared's eyes tell everything about his soul. And Jensen thought it was

"Perfect." He whispers, then realizes what he said.

Jared smiles, a huge sadness in his eyes as they look away. Jensen takes another gulp of vodka. Another one. Another.

He was completely wasted.

Jensen walked Jared to the brothel again, both of them clinging on each other for support, laughing at every stumble.

"Thanks for the night, it was fun." Jared says when they stop. Jensen looks at him, at his lips that still looked so pink, even without lipstick. He reach the tip of his fingers to touch Jared's lips, but he stops midway.

He runs to the nearest garbage and throws up.

* * *

 

Jensen wakes in the next morning to the sound of people fucking next door. _What the hell?_ he thinks, before his brain lets him know that he's under a lot of pain. He feels the acid taste in his mouth and remembers what happened.

"Oh, God." He says, pressing his face against the pillow. He was at Jared's room, he probably passed out after spewing his guts out.

He gets up, ignoring the pain, as Jared walks in the room.

"Good morning, sweetie." He says, smiling. How Jared's looking perfectly fine, teeth shining in the sunlight, such a good mood at this time in the morning, after drinking a whole bottle of vodka the night before, is beyond Jensen.

He groans back in response.

"See you're not a morning person." Jared laughs. He goes to his dressing table and opens a drawer and throws at Jensen a painkiller. "Take that, it'll make you feel better."

Jensen swallows the pill, looking at Jared. "Oh God, I'm so sorry about last night."

"Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. Hope you don't get into trouble for sleeping here."

Jensen was definitely in trouble, but that's okay. He had fun. Jason could back him up about where he was last night.

"Don't worry."

"So- I'm so sorry, but if you're feeling better... I kinda need the room." Jared says, mortified.

Jensen swallows hard, looking down. His hands suddenly grabbing the mattress, a rock settling at the bottom of his stomach. Jared needed his room to work.

Jensen just spent the night because he was too drunk to go home. Nothing else.

He didn't understand why the thought of Jared having sex with a man _besides Jensen_ felt so wrong.

He nodded at Jared. Not saying anything before walking out the door.

* * *

 

Jensen didn't message Jared for a few days, feeling like a baby for his reaction the last time, but too proud to admit he fucked up.

Because to admit that he fucked up, he would have to admit that he was _jealous_. Jealous of Jared's work. Jealous of him having sex with other man, of him giving pleasure to other man.

Jealous of a guy he only had sex two times. And Jensen couldn't admit that.

But when, days later,  his phone rang with a new message and Jared's name appeared on the screen, Jensen's heart betrayed him just like his face. Apparently you can't trust your own body to agree with you.

"Hey, stranger."

Jensen looked at the text for a few minutes, trying to think of something clever. _What the hell, Jensen. You're being ridiculous._

"Hey! Been busy w/ college. How's it going?" _Nice. Casual._

"Same old, same old. Come here later? Want to talk." _Shit._

"Okay."

They were just friends, for God's sake. Sure, they had sex. Jared's job is to have sex with people, and he did it with Jensen. Just like that. They didn't have to anymore. They're friends now. Jensen felt close to Jared. Given the situation, it's normal to feel close to someone you barely knows, he was Jensen's first time, after all.

But Jensen felt... more. Something that shouldn't be there, but that insisted in staying. Something like Jared's eyes, the way Jensen feels when looking at them. Something like the pink of his lips, the way they seem to beg for Jensen's touch, cry for his own lips. Something like Jared's voice and the way it embraces Jensen with the smoothest of touches, the way it calls for him like a port in the storm.

Jensen didn't know why that _something_ insisted in staying. He was happily trying to ignore it, though.

Later, when he parked in the street in front of Jared's work, he felt like he could totally ignore that _something._ Until he saw Jared with another guy next to him.

Jensen's throat dried in a second, and he stood there, watching as Jared followed the guy out of the brothel. They talked for a moment, Jared's expression telling Jensen that it wasn't a good talk.

And then the guy slapped him.

Jensen never thought of himself as violent. He always chooses words before punches. Never fight someone if you can politely leave the situation.

If only that _something_ didn't insisted in staying.

He crossed the street, adrenaline already running through his veins, and punched the guy. He pressed him against the wall, ready to throw another fist in the guy's face.

"Jensen!" Jared's voice, pushing him back to the real world, clearing his head.

"Get. The. Fuck. Out." Jensen whispers in the guy's ear, pushing him to the streets.

He turns to Jared, feeling the pain in his hand. Jared pushes him inside, to his bedroom.

"What the fuck was that, Jensen?" He yells when they're inside.

"What? That guy beat you! What the hell was I suppose to do?" Jensen asks, confused.

"I don't need you to protect me." Jared's voice is low, but still mad.

"I wouldn't just stand there watching you get slapped, Jared." He did the right thing, why the hell Jared was acting that way?

 "I'm a hooker, Jensen. This kinda asshole comes with the job description."

Jensen knew that. But he wouldn't admit it.

"Well, I don't like your job." _Shit._

Jared didn't answer, for a second. His eyes impossible to read.

"You didn't seem to mind when you were the one fucking me, didn't you? Well, I'm not your _fucking private whore._ You think you're the only one that can fuck me?" Every word coming out as a knife directly into Jensen's chest.

"No- Jesus, Jared. It's different. I care for you. You're my. You're my friend." Jensen's voice is barely a whisper, words stuck in his throat. "I couldn't just stand there and watch somebody hurt you. I'm sorry, but I'll never do that."

Jared looked at him, raw emotion is his eyes. Sadness, anger, relief, comfort, Jensen could read all of them.

So much for ignoring that _something._

"This is my job, Jen." Jared calls him that for the first time. He sounds tired. "I don't like it, either. But I take what I can get."

He feels so stupid. So selfish. Why did he thought Jared would enjoy such thing? Jensen hated himself for not knowing this before. For failing at understanding Jared, why he does what he does. Because he _have_ to.

Jensen walks towards Jared and hugs him. Hands pressing hard against his back and his neck, pushing him closer. He feels Jared's hands do the same, burying his face against Jensen's neck.

"Please, forgive me." he whispers into Jared's ear. "I'm so sorry."

Jared doesn't answer, instead Jensen feels him placing kisses in his neck. Caring, at first, then Jensen feels Jared's mouth opens, his tongue tracing down Jensen's sensitive skin. Jensen lefts out a moan, pressing Jared harder against him. Chills running down his body. He closes his eyes, lets Jared kiss his way up to his jaw, until their lips meet.

This kiss was slow, careful. Jensen slowly moved his tongue in Jared's bottom lip until he opened his mouth for him. He moved his hand, fingers caressing Jared's face with tenderness, not wanting to hurt him even more.  

Jared's kiss was so needy, his tongue dancing against Jensen's, begging, crying for his touch. Jensen's answering for his call with desperate urgency, letting him know that it was okay, he understood it now, that he was sorry.

Jared was moaning inside Jensen's mouth, letting him so turned on, his whole body shivering with the thought of much Jared wanted him. And how much he wants Jared.

"Stay with me." Jared whispers, pushing Jensen to his bed.

They were friends. But they could be _something else_ , too.


	4. Born to die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the hurt/comfort and fluffiness to my girls (you know who you are) <3

Jared was getting ready for a new day. His favorite lipstick, coral pink, on and his black pants with matching crop tops. He was feeling confident enough to smile to his image on the mirror.

"You're pretty, baby." He risks, his voice low. Nothing bad happens. "Yeah, you are pretty." He says again, trying his best to make his heart believe him. Nothing bad happens again, so he nods and smile again. He would get there, some day.

He woke up feeling good, this morning. Had a feeling that things would be fine.

His cell phone rings and Jared's heart skips a beat, making his face red as he reads the message: "Good morning, sweetie.". He gives himself a little slap on the forehead, thanking that no one was around to see him make such a fool of himself. He's been doing that a lot, lately, and Jensen's the only one to blame.

It can be very confusing, he admits, most of the time, how his body reacts to just the image of Jensen; the way his stomach get into a never ending roller coaster ride when he listens to his voice; how he just can't stop blushing and smiling like an idiot every time he gets a text message; how _horny_ he feels every time he remembers his touch or the way he looks at him like he's the most beautiful boy alive or the way Jensen moans when he fucks him or pretty much every time Jensen is near him.

It can be very confusing, but Jared loves every second of it.

And it sure helps to get the job done, when every man that touches him is instantly replaced by the image of Jensen touching him. Jared knows that Jensen would take a possessive pleasure from this information, but he keeps it to himself. Jensen understands, now, and he's doing a great job and not letting his true feelings show too much. A part of Jared also takes great pleasure knowing that someone is jealous of him.

 He knows he's needy and insecure, that his daddy issues led him to trust the first one that showed evidence of liking him, that he couldn't give himself fully to someone he barely knew, but _something_ inside of him was saying that it was a good thing, and Jared listens. Nothing in his life ever felt so right as Jensen does.

It's friday, so maybe he gets to see him again. Jensen would always come to see Jared on the weekends, now. Not to fuck, well, not _just_ to fuck, but to talk. Jared was still not sure what was happening between them, but he's learned to take what he can get. He never forgets the fact that Jensen's family still don't know the truth about him, or the huge social gap that's open in front of them, keeping them distant. He was just being a masochist, enjoying the good part while it's lasting. Never getting his hopes up. Or trying to.

He thinks the same thing every time.

He goes to work, wishing for costumers with money, so he can make them feel so good they'll pay him double. He still has to think about his future, and right now that's the only thing he was sure of.

* * *

 

Jared was enjoying his view of the sunset at the park, like he did every day after work, when he notices a woman and her son walking next to him. He waves hello to the little kid, but his mom pushes him closer, looking at him with a wrinkled face, like she just passed by a stinky dumpster. He can't hear what the woman says, but he's not stupid enough to think it was a good thing. He closes his eyes, tries not to think about it. It's not the first time this happens. He's a gay hooker, after all. You can't get more filthy than that.

_Just when I was really sure this would be a good day._ He starts walking back home, when a drizzle starts. Thoughts about his dad too loud to be ignored. He wonders if his father saw him right now, he would make the same face that woman did. Disgust, anger, offense. He knows he would.

Sometimes it's really hard to believe in himself, when the world thinks he shouldn't exist.

As he walks out of the park, the rain gets more heavy, the drops hurting his skin.

"Oh, come on!" He screams in frustration. He stands there, too sad and angry to move, punishing himself for thinking he could actually get a good day. He's never known them since he left his father's house. Probably even before.

When the rains starts getting too cold, he walks home. Jared's shaking from head to toe, sure he's gonna be sick tomorrow, even more sad and angry than before, because how could he be so stupid to think that was a good idea to just stand there in the cold rain.

A car stops beside him on the street, opens the window; It's Jensen. He looks so warm and dry that's almost enough to make Jared cry.

"What are you doing, Jared? Get in! You're going to freeze." Jensen screams, so Jared can hear him in the heavy rain.

He doesn't say anything, just gets in the car and let Jensen drive him the rest of the way home.

When they get there, Jared's chin is painfully out of control, shaking and beating his teeth together. He puts his hands underneath his armpits, closes his eyes, hates himself even more. He doesn't see Jensen getting out of the car and opening the door for him, just feels as his hands wrap around Jared's shoulders and guide him inside.

"Christ, Jared, I think you're hypothermic." Jensen's voice near his ear, worried.

Jared can't say anything, his mouth too cold and stiff. He lets Jensen guide him to the bedroom, starting to feel weak, but when he walks towards his bed, Jensen pushes him, takes him to the bathroom.

"You need to get warm, right now. Going to take a hot shower." Jensen explains, already pushing Jared's shirt above his arms. His hands urgent. His body shakes harder when the skin gets uncovered.

Jared walks to the shower, obedient. He lets out a gasp when the hot water strikes him, closes his eyes, his arms crossed, hands holding his shoulders.

He open his eyes when he feels Jensen's hands on him, pushing him closer, naked against his body.

"Here, let me help you get warm, please." He whispers to Jared, hugging him tight.

Jared doesn't react, too cold and too sad to say anything. He just presses his body against Jensen's, grateful for the warm, Jensen's soft skin and strong arms making him feel like a little baby, the comfort and the tenderness in his touch something Jared has never known before. No one ever gave that to him.

Jared lets out a broken sigh and starts crying.

He knows Jensen can hear him, feel his shaky breath, but he doesn't say anything. Jensen just pushes him closer, tighter, lets Jared cry on his shoulder while stroking his hair. That only makes Jared cry harder.

When Jared's temperature rise and his body stops shaking, both from crying and being cold, Jensen gets out of the shower and puts a towel around Jared's shoulders, making sure he's still warm by the time he goes to his drawer and puts his pajamas pants. He lays Jared on his bed, then puts his own clothes back.

Jared think he's ready to get out, thinks about asking him to stay. But he doesn't need to, because Jensen lays beside him on the bed, facing Jared.

"Thank you, Jensen." Jared whispers, looks him in the eyes, hoping Jensen can see he's not grateful only for the hot shower, but for something else he can't put into words.

Jensen stares back, he knows he's reading Jared's eyes. He's done it before, that's how Jensen understands Jared.

"I'm here if you want to talk about what's wrong. Or I can just lay here with you... If you want."

"You won't get in trouble with your parents?" Jared asks, worried.

"My parents think I'm staying at Jason's tonight. We kinda had a fight, earlier. They don't like the person I'm trying to become. Nothing to worry about." Jensen smiles, reassuring.

"Sure? I'm okay, now. You don't have to worry about me, don't wanna get in the way of you and your family."

Jensen gets closer to him, arms open inviting Jared. Jared lays his head on Jensen's chest, hands grabbing his shirt. Jensen's arms around him.

"I'm here with you, want to help you." Jensen whispers. Jared feels his whole body shivers. Closes his eyes to the words.

"Why?" He asks. He just can't understand why Jensen is so nice to him, just because Jared took his virginity.

"You don't know why I want to be here with you?" Jensen asks, his fingers tracing patterns on Jared's arm. Jared can feel Jensen's heart racing under his chest. "I can't think of a reason why I wouldn't want that."

Jared's heart starts racing too. The hopes he tries so hard to keep quiet starting to grow.

"You don't have to be so nice to me, Jensen. You don't owe me anything." Jared says, face turned to Jensen's belly.

"I know I don't. I just..." Jensen's heart feels like a drum on Jared's ear, his chest moving fast as he breathes; he turns his face and looks at Jensen. Jensen doesn't say anything and closes his eyes. Jared's throat dries.

He lies back on Jensen's chest, doesn't notice how his hands grab his shirt with more strength.

Jared starts diving into unconsciousness, Jensen's steady breath working like a lullaby, his body comforting him. He hears Jensen's distant voice, singing, but he's too tired to ask him what song is it. He hears a single line as he falls asleep.

_"People fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand..."_

* * *

 

He wakes up in the middle of the night. He's not sure if he slept for 5 minutes or 3 hours, but Jensen's still awake. Looking at him.

"Hey, everything okay?" Jensen asks, his voice low.

"How long did I sleep?" Jared asks, looking around.

"Just a couple of hours. It's around midnight, now, I think." Jensen smiles, green eyes shining in a way that makes Jared's stomach sink.

 Jensen's eyes were savage, desperate.

Just then he remembers what happened, the cold, the shower, Jensen hugging him, pushing him closer, comforting him. His mind was too cloudy, then, to think about what happened. What Jensen tried to say to him.

"Jensen" He whispers and Jensen is already pushing him up, locking his lips against Jared's, kissing him with such strength that startles Jared, a moment before he starts kissing Jensen back.

"Let me show you" Jensen whispers against Jared's mouth "what I wanted to tell... What I wanted to tell days ago." Jared just nods, licking Jensen's bottom lip. He pushes his tongue inside Jensen's mouth and swirls, pressing the tip of his tongue against Jensen's. He wrap his mouth around Jensen's tongue and sucks, slowly, tasting Jensen's mouth, his tongue licking underneath it. Jensen moans and pushes Jared to his back, lying above him.

Jared closes his eyes and stretch his neck, when Jensen starts tracing down his tongue to Jared's jaw, gently biting the skin above the bone, Jared feels chills through his whole body, his dick pumping with blood and instantly hard. He sighs into Jensen's ear, lets him hear how good he feels. Jensen licks his whole neck, biting, sucking, brushing his lips slightly against the sensitive skin. He licks the outside of Jared's ear, his hot breath making Jared's heart race, then bites gently.

"I want to show you how you make me feel, Jared. Why I wanted to stay here with you." Jensen whispers against Jared's ear, making _everything_ inside Jared melt. He's not used to this, usually he's the one making people lose their minds. It's his job. Jared moans in return. "Wanna make you feel good, too, like you made me feel when you let me fuck you for the first time." Jensen continues, whispering against Jared's skin, his whole neck a sticky wetness as Jensen licks every piece.

This Jensen is different, not the Jensen that asked Jared for instructions on how to fuck him. It's not the insecure Jensen that was afraid to do something wrong and hurt Jared. Jared's never fucked this Jensen before. This Jensen was confident, almost proud, eager to show Jared everything he's learned. Jared's crazy to find out.

Jensen traces down his tongue to Jared's collarbone, biting, kissing, down to Jared's chest. He puts his mouth around Jared's nipple, sucks slowly and Jared moves beneath him, moaning and pushing his head back on the pillow. Jensen's hand goes to his other nipple and starts pressing lightly, the tip of his finger brushing against the hard tip of Jared's nip. Jared feels his cock jumps inside his pants, wants to touch it, _needs_ Jensen to touch it. He closes his eyes, breathes so hard he starts to feel dizzy.

Jensen stops sucking his nipple, lets his mouth still brushing around it. "Want you to know how bad I want you, since the first day I saw you. Do you wanted me too, Jared?" Jensen says, looks at Jared. He sees want in them, fire, but also doubt. Jensen needs to know, he isn't sure.

"Wanted you from the moment I saw you walk through the door, Jen." Jared manages to say, Jensen nods and kisses him, licking Jared's lips, sending tiny explosions through Jared's body. Jensen sticks his tongue into Jared's mouth, kissing him hard, moaning into Jared's mouth, Jared's nails almost cutting Jensen's back. 

Jensen pulls back, sucking Jared's lower lip. Big, ocean green eyes looking right into Jared's soul, Jared's emotions mirrored in Jensen's eyes. Jensen starts going down again, his hands tracing down Jared's belly, stopping on his hips, his thumb sliding inside Jared's pants. "Want to show everything you taught me, Jay." Jensen whispers, kissing Jared's belly button and lower, biting and licking, Jared's stomach contracting with the sensation. Jensen pushes Jared's pajamas down until they fall to the ground.

Then, Jensen just stops, gets on his knees, watches Jared. Jared feels the embarrassment burn his cheeks, moves awkwardly, but Jensen's eyes show nothing but desire as he watches Jared's body, hands caressing his thighs. Feels so good to just watch Jensen's want, to know he wants Jared.

"God, you're so beautiful." Jensen lets out, his voice full of heat. He starts kissing the inside of Jared's thighs. "So sexy. Want you so much, Jay." He kisses Jared's groin, his cheeks rubbing Jared's dick and he wants to explode, Jared wants Jensen to fuck him now, needs him to fuck him now.

"Need to feel you inside me, Jensen." He whispers, his hands grabbing Jensen's hair, pushing. Jensen continues to kiss around Jared's cock, making "hmmm" sounds like he's tasting every piece of Jared's skin and Jared can't be more turned on.

"Was afraid you didn't want me. Afraid you didn't need me, like I want you, like I need you." Jensen whispers. "But I can make you want me..." Jensen lays down between Jared's legs, his hands pushing them up and apart, leaving his ass exposed. Jared gasps when he feels Jensen's tongue circling around his hole, shivers through his whole body, making his voice shake. He whimpers, "Jen-".

Jared's hip thrusts automatically, Jensen's tongue making it's way inside him, stretching him; Jensen's tongue swirls, like he wants to taste inside Jared, goes all the way till Jensen's chin is touching Jared, moaning inside him and Jared feels the wave of sound, feels Jensen inside him, inside every part of Jared's body.

" _Fuck, Jen, fuck, fuck. Fuck."_ Jared almost screams. He never felt this good his whole life. Doesn't want it to stop, never.

Jensen starts to push his tongue out, then push in again, harder. He fucks Jared's ass with his tongue, the tip teasing the entrance, then fucking all the way in. Jared feels like he's lost the ability to speak, to move, to _think._ He shoves his head against the pillow; nails scratching Jensen's shoulder, probably hurting him, but that's the only way Jared can let him know how good he feels. He closes his eyes, catch his breath, and the world comes down to the sensation of Jensen's tongue fucking him. When it stops, he almost cries.

Jensen is on top of him again, kissing him. Jared opens his mouth, lets Jensen's tongue work, too numb to do anything but moan inside Jensen's mouth. He feels his own taste on Jensen's mouth, sucks Jensen's tongue, thanking him.

Jensen's hands strokes Jared's dick and he cries from relief. "Fuck me, Jensen. Please." He begs. Jensen looks like a wild animal, raw and full of desire. He strokes Jared's dick slowly, with a strong grip. "Wanna fuck you, so bad." He says, biting Jared's neck. "Gonna fuck you better than anyone ever fucked you." He takes his other hand, put one finger into Jared's mouth and Jared sucks it, then Jensen moves his finger to Jared's ass, thrusts his finger hard into his hole. Jared gasps. He _will_ explode, anytime soon.

"Gonna fuck you so good, so you never have to let anyone fuck you again." Jensen growls into Jared's neck. Jared feels the anger in his voice, the urgency. Jensen's letting Jared see another side of him. This confident, savage side of Jensen, like the one that punched a guy because he hurted Jared. Somehow, this side is even better.

Jensen pushes a second finger into Jared's ass, moving them, just like Jared once taught him; brushing the golden spot inside of him. He pushes in and out, hard, his other hand still working on Jared's dick, so slow that Jared wants to scream for mercy.

"You have no idea how I felt, when I saw that guy slapping you, Jay." Jensen says, biting Jared's shoulder. "Wanted to kill him, for touching you. Wanna kill _everyone that touches you,_ wanna be the only one." His voice so deep in his throat, so sexy. Jared knows Jensen's just being possessive, jealous, selfish, but he's _liking it._ Jensen's showing him this side of him he's been keeping hidden. Jared whimpers, the feeling of Jensen inside of him, stroking his dick, saying these things, feels it's just too much.

Then, Jensen stops. Jared cries,  feeling empty, wanting more. Jensen's lips brush against his, kiss him. Jared looks at him, sees that savage look gone, replaced by something like shame. That side of Jensen instantly gone, hidden again.

"Sorry, I got carried away." Jensen says, apologizing. His fingers still inside Jared. Jared almost laughs, _so fucking cute,_ but instead he kisses Jensen harder, moves his hips into Jensen's fingers.

"I _want_ you to fuck me like no one else has ever fucked me." Jared whispers. "Show me how you feel, Jen."

Jared leans to the side of the bed and takes the lube and the condoms he keeps there, on the ground. He gives it to Jensen. Jared kisses him again, giving permission, shows how much he wants it.

As soon as Jensen's dick is wet with lube and protected, Jared opens his legs and lets Jensen rubs the cold liquid around his hole. Then, Jared takes him. Jensen pushes his way inside him like the puzzle that's missing inside Jared. Fits perfectly.

Jared holds him there, inside him, feeling whole. Jensen gasps and goes to the end, bending over Jared, kissing him.

"Wanna be with you, Jay." Jensen cries into his mouth. "Wanna be yours, want you to be mine." His tone almost begging. "Wanna take care of you."

Jared doesn't answer. He knows it's too good to be true, he knows something will get between them. So, he just moans back, pushes himself against Jensen's dick.

Jensen's thrusts faster, losing the rhythm, too lost in his own pleasure. Every time his dick presses against the special spot, Jared bites his lips, holds a scream.

Jensen takes Jared's dick and starts to stroke, doesn't take long and Jared comes all over his own chest and Jensen's. The thick liquid burning his belly.

"Oh, fuuuck." Jared moans, thrusting against Jensen, his body shaking. Jensen fucks him and works his dick until he's empty, feeling numb. Jensen's dick inside of him still sending shock waves through his body, so much pleasure he thinks he can't take it.

Jensen loses himself completely inside Jared, moving fast, until he lets out a suppressed scream and comes inside Jared's ass, his body shaking on top of Jared's.

They stay there, Jensen lying on top of Jared, lazy kisses and hands intertwined. Jared feels so good he forgets the bad day, can't remember why he was crying earlier, doesn't want to remember. Jensen's body against his, sweat and heat between them, his smell, his skin. That's all Jared can process.

Jared gets up, wants to clean up. Jensen follows him to the bathroom. They fuck again, Jensen pressed to the wall while Jared sucks his dick.

After, they go to bed. Jared lays down on Jensen's chest again, hands caressing his bare chest. Jensen's fingers playing with Jared's hair.

"You don't have to think about what happened, what I said, today." Jensen says. "You don't even have to think about it, if you don't want to. I didn't want this to happen that way and I'm sorry if it was too much..."

Jared wants to die, right now. Jensen is just too fucking nice to him, too damn respectful, kind. Jared's not worthy of this, Jensen doesn't deserves all the pain that it'll come if Jared stays in his life. All the shame.

That voice inside him talks again. Says it's possible, they can make it work, if they really want to. Jared can deal with the shame, protect Jensen from it. They can hide their relationship from Jensen's parents, keep it a secret. Do anything to be together, because that's what their hearts are telling them to do.

"We talk about it tomorrow, okay?" Jared says, softly, kissing his chest. "I'll think about it."

Jared decides he has until morning to think of a way to say goodbye to Jensen.

* * *

 

The next morning, Jared wakes with his face pressed on the pillow. Jensen's nowhere to be seen. He takes a deep breath, get up. He looks himself in the mirror, catch all the bite marks Jensen left on his neck and shoulder, dark purple and red tainting his clear skin. He smiles, thinks they're actually kinda pretty. If the marks Jensen's left in his heart can't be seen, this ones are a pretty representation of them.

He goes to the shower, takes his time to clear his head, but all he can do is think about Jensen, what he did to him; all the things he _said_ to Jared. Jared feels like he's not in control of anything, anymore. If this is what being in love feels like, he's just lost.

He doesn't feel like he'll be able to work, so he just throws himself in bed. When people asks, he'll just say he's sick from last night's hypothermia. He tries to sleep, prays that Jensen won't show up.

Jared stays in bed all day, but by the time the sun starts to set he decides to go watch it. He puts his beanie and walks to the park. A world war going on inside his head, making lists of the pros and cons of being with Jensen, balancing every one of them. Looking for an answer.

By the time he arrives to the park, he's got his answer. Because Jensen's waiting for him.

Jared wonders if he really thought he could say goodbye to Jensen.


	5. Let's make it official

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a tiny gift. Jensen's POV of the night at the park, on the previous chapter.

Jensen's waiting for Jared on the park, he knows Jared will come, because here's where Jared come to think, to be at peace. He let him alone all day to think about it, respect his personal space,. Nearly drove himself crazy. But he waits, flowers in his hand. He knows it's stupid and his ass is probably gonna get ditched by the end of the night, but he wanted to give something to Jared. Thank him, at least.

When Jared sits by his side, Jensen's so lost in thoughts that he doesn't notice.

"So, these are for me?" Jared asks, Jensen jumps. He looks at Jared and he's smiling, teeth showing.

"Yes. Thought of doing something nice, to thank you. About last night, I mean." Jensen lets out.

Jared laughs, something Jensen never heard. It hits him, why he never heard that beautiful sound before and all the things he wants to do to make Jared laughs more.

"You don't have to thank me, sweetie. I think I'm the one who should be thanking you."

Jensen smiles, proud. "Yeah, I think my back gets how grateful you are. I'm sore." They both laugh. Jensen thought this would be different, hard, awkward. But this is Jared, he should've know better.

"I thought about last night." Jared says, serious. Jensen's stomach sinks.

"And?"

Jared looks at him, beautiful eyes, so kind and sad. "You really think we can make this work? Us, together. Think about all the pain I'm going to bring you, that my _job_ will bring you. The shame."

Jensen did thought about this. Ever since the day he punched that guy, all Jensen can think about is how he feels about Jared and all the consequences. He measured them, listed them, until there was nothing left but the sure that he was willing to go through everything, if it meant he would be able to say Jared was his boyfriend. His anything actually, whatever Jared chooses to be.

"I'm ready, Jared." That's all he says. He was ready to fight.

Jared looks at him, trying to catch something in his eyes. Fear, maybe; doubt, indecision. Jensen has none, not enough to stop him at least.

Jared gives up, sighs. "What do you wanna do, then? Be my boyfriend?"

"If you want to. If you're ready." Jensen gets closer, slightly touching Jared's hand, but pushes back.

Jensen can see Jared's hesitation in his eyes. He's scared, Jensen is too. He knows it's not an easy way they have in front of them. Jared has to carry the heaviest weight, he understands. He's ready to leave him alone, but he wishes more than anything that he doesn't have to.

"God, Jensen. I want to, but I'm so scared." Jared whispers, his voice shaken. Jensen doesn't get to comfort him, cause Jared turns to him and kisses him, soft and gentle.

"Okay." All he says, when he pulls back. Jensen blinks to the answer, tries to be sure he didn't misheard it. Jared just said he'll be his boyfriend. _Jared will be his fucking boyfriend._ Jensen smiles like a little kid.

"Really?" He asks, like an idiot, doesn't try to hide his happiness and relief.

"Yeah, I want to be your boyfriend, Jen." Jared laughs, happy.

"God, I'm going to make you so happy, Jay. I promise." Jensen says, leans in to kiss Jared.

They kiss like it's the first time, Jensen exploring Jared's mouth, dancing with his tongue. They kiss without rush, every movement and touch gentle, fond. Jensen's thumb brushing Jared's cheek, his hair, his shoulder. He tries to absorb the idea that Jared likes him back, wants to be with him as much as he wants to be with Jared. He kisses Jared until there's no doubt left in him.

They talk for a while, Jensen too excited about something that's so new to him to shut up. He talks about everything he feels Jared should know that he doesn't know already, little curiosities about him. Small talk. Small _boyfriends_ talk. He's pathetically happy.

Jared starts to play with the flowers Jensen gave him, Jensen thinks how much they agree to him. Both so colorful, full of life, of secrets and kindness. Jared fits amongst the flowers like he's one of them.

Jensen reaches for the nearest branch.  He takes the flowers and pin them on Jared's beanie, all around the folding of the fabric, like a crown around Jared's head. The white beanie contrasting with the colors of the flowers, pink, red and purple.

"There" Jensen says, smiling. "Flowers match with you."

Jared looks beautiful, more beautiful than ever, as he smiles with shyness; his dimple making him look so young, the flowers on his head giving him more light.

Jared takes one flower and puts it on Jensen's ear.

"There. I'm the queen of flowers, you can be my prince. Don't deserve to be a king just yet." Jared laughs again, Jensen's heart racing with the sound.

"And what do I have to do to deserve such honor?" He asks.

"You have to fuck at least a hundred times to deserve that title." Jared laughs, daring.

Jensen laughs, nods and leans in to kiss Jared again.

Jensen's willing to work his way to deserve the title.


	6. Secret love song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready, folks! But don't forget that soulmates always find their way back to each other.

Jensen was never an open guy. He was always too shy and too quiet and not an easily likeable person, but he was always a very emotional, compassionate kid on the inside. This soon became a problem when, growing up, kids never took any real interest in him besides of his good looks. So, he thoroughly built an image of himself he would like everyone to see. Cool, distant, polite, practical, funny. Enough to be likable, not enough to be played. His true friends get to see a little more of him, but never all of it. Now, he knows even his parents never got to see the real him.

And everyone believed him. Everyone saw him the way he wanted to be seen.

Everyone except Jared.

For so many years he kept his walls up, he was starting to believe the walls _were_ his true self, but Jared broke through them so damn quickly it made Jensen wonder if they were ever up. Jared saw him for who he truly was, he saw the real Jensen. Insecure, shy, kind, selfless Jensen. And Jared liked him.

For Jensen, that was the turning point of his life. He knew nothing ever would be the same and the image he spent years building would come crashing down day after day.

For Jensen, that was when he fell in love. Because he left Jared see him, and Jared didn't hurt him, didn't used him, didn't betrayed him. It wasn't even a choice. It just happened.

He wasn't dumb, he knew things couldn't possibly work between a gay prostitute that worked his way out of a fucked up family and a rich kid from a religious family that didn't even know he was gay, yet. The odds for a happy ending were amazingly low.

But God, damned he if he didn't at least tried. And he's trying his best.    

Jared was his boyfriend now, and for the best two months of his life they were together. Maybe, things could work between them.

When they first fought because of Jensen's jealousy over Jared's work, Jensen sworn to himself he would try his best to understand something he knew it would be essential: Jared would not stop doing what he does because of Jensen. He _couldn't_ stop. Ever since that day, they never fought again.

Jensen interrupts his trail of thought and looks down to Jared sleeping in chest, making little comforting sounds along with his breath. Jensen's parents were out of town again for the weekend, visiting his aunt, and they got to spend all weekend together without having to lie to his parents about where he was, something Jensen finds very  exhausting.

He puts his hand on top of Jared's and intertwine their fingers, he closes his eyes and waits, for the welcome sleep to bring good dreams and for the sunlight to bring another good day.

* * *

 

In the morning, Jensen wakes up with the sound of Jared taking a shower. The sun is already high on the sky, which means he over slept and Jared would have to get to work soon. He pushes the thought away and walks to the bathroom, taking his clothes off  to join Jared.

"Good morning, beautiful." Jensen says as he closes his arms around Jared's waist under the hot water. Jared leans his head back to kiss Jensen's cheek. "Good morning, sweetie. Didn't want to wake you up, you were making adorable snore noises." Jared smirks.

"Yeah, but I stayed up late, because of your adorable snoring." Jensen laughs, kissing the line of Jared's shoulder, his wet skin soft under his lips.

Jared moves to face him, wrapping his arms around Jensen's shoulders. Jensen puts his hands on Jared's lower back, in the curve of his ass, the water making it so easy to slide them up and down. Their already hard dicks touching, sensitive skin sending shivers through his body and Jensen's breath breaks with every wave of sensation.

"God, look what you've done to me. My body thinks he's a sex machine, now." Jensen grabs Jared's ass and pulls him closer, showing his point.

"Well, it better be!" Jared laughs and bites Jensen's lower lip, pushing. "My body's still full of hormones, you know..." He says, with Jensen's lip still in his mouth. "If I don't release all this fire, I'm sure something bad will happen." He lets go of Jensen's lip, smile full of teasing.

"Well, if my Queen requests..." Jensen says pushing Jared against the wall. "Your humble Prince will respond." He kisses Jared's mouth, tracing the tip of his tongue down his wet skin, the taste of hot water and Jared, to his neck with soft touches. He thrusts his dick against Jared's, the water making it so easy to slide them together, moaning close of his ear. Jared grabs Jensen's ass, following his movements.

Jensen moves until Jared's making delicious moaning noises that only he can make, noises he makes when he wants Jensen to make him come, because Jensen can't deny anything to them. He takes Jared's cock in his hand and strokes slowly, while Jared does the same thing to Jensen's. Pre come, sweat and hot water combined and it's all so hot, Jensen swallows the urge to taste it with his mouth around Jared's cock.

Jensen locks his gaze with Jared's as they jerk each other off, hands working in sync, foreheads touching, moaning in each other's mouths, Jared's eyes so full of desire and need, so fucking beautiful. Jensen moves his hand faster, thrusting instinctively against Jared's hand, biting his shoulder, sucking his neck, his lips, kissing his mouth open and licking inside, tasting Jared's tongue and his delicious moans like the sweetest candy he ever proved. Jared comes with Jensen's tongue inside his mouth, biting hard, then sucking it with the aftershocks. Jensen comes soon after, he gasps with the explosion of sensation inside him, pushes his head back and opens his mouth in a silent scream, Jared kissing his neck and hand working until his body stopped shaking.

Jared pushes his head to face him and kisses Jensen until their lungs are burning for air, Jared's hand still on Jensen's dick. When he let go of Jensen's dick, Jared doesn't wash his hands full of Jensen's orgasm.

"Wanna taste you while I work, want you inside me the whole day." Jared says and licks his fingers clean, sucking the come from them and licking his palm. Jensen watches with a mix of awe and desperate want, thoughts narrowed to basic sexual instinct. God, Jared's so hot and he's being so _intimate_ Jensen wants to fuck him till exhaustion. When Jared finishes, Jensen takes his fingers and sucks every one of them again, tasting what's left of the salty liquid and Jared's own taste, eyes locked with his the whole time, pupils so wide with want Jensen can barely see the thousand of colors around them. When he finishes, he doesn't kiss Jared, because the thought of taking his own taste out of Jared's mouth is unacceptable. He gives lazy and hot kisses around Jared's mouth, devoted to his power over him.

They get out of the shower, but Jensen stays and wait for Jared to get ready for the day. Jared picks the dark pink lipstick, Jensen's favorite, and Jensen watches as he paints his lips with the color with grace and skill.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Huh?" Jared asks without moving his lips.

"Do you wear makeup just as a screw you to society? Or do you like it?" Jensen asks, the thought only now crossing his mind.

Jared closes his lips and moves them to spread the lipstick, opening them with a pop. "I don't know. I mean, I do like wearing makeup and other accessories that are usually made for women, but I guess I just don't see them that way. And it's not my problem if other people do." Jared looks at Jensen through his reflection in the mirror, his eyes telling more than his words. "I wear them because I feel pretty, I guess. The same way you wear bracelets and a chain around your neck."

Jensen nods, absorbing the words and their meaning. His heart growing inside his chest as, once again, Jared impresses him with his strength and determination. He walks until he's standing behind Jared's image on the mirror.

"I think you're beautiful with or without makeup, but may I just say how deliciously sexy your lips are, this way." Jensen bends down and kisses Jared's temple. "I'll let you finish now." He turns Jared's head and gives him a peck on the lips.

"See, you look very good with pinky lips, too." Jared says, smiling. Jensen sees the pink blur of lipstick in his lips on the mirror, smiles and spreads the color with the tip of his fingers. "Look at that, I really do." He jokes. "Guess we're gonna have to share your makeup from now on."

"Ha! Sorry, sweetie. You can buy your own." Jared laughs. They kiss again and say goodbye. Jensen's mouth curved into a smile the whole trip to his house.

* * *

Jensen calls Jason to his house to drink some beers and watch a game on TV. Jason arrives with the beers and his guitar.

"Damn, you're wearing lipstick now?" He laughs, noticing the soft pink that Jensen forgot on his lips.

"Jared wears it, I forgot to wash it when I got here." Jensen says, laughing, but still doesn't washes it.    

They drink the beer, the only alcohol he puts in his mouth since he and Jared drank the bottle of vodka, thankful for the taste and the much lighter hangover, and talk. Jason talks about his business classes and his plans to produce a new band, maybe even start one himself. The love he and Jason shared for music always were one of the pillars of their friendship, and Jensen listens to his plans with interest and hope. Their talents combined and their knowledge of the industry could make his dream come true.

"We still have one year before we can get out of college, we could use this time to build the band and be good at it." Jason says, excited. Jensen knows he's taking this seriously.

"Dude, this could work. We can play, we both have nice voices, we just need to find other people and get things going. We could really work in this business, together, and nail it." Jensen says, his voice full of hope and dreams.

They talked about it until dark, making plans, looking for places they could rehearse, instruments, people that could join them, lyrics and melodies, role models, band names and how to save money. They would start to look for band members on monday, then put the rest in motion. Jensen was so excited about the possibility of becoming a musician, like his life was finally starting to make sense.

* * *

The next day, Jensen calls Jared to his house for the first time. He cooks them lunch, glad that Jared shares his love for steaks, while Jared dances around him to a Lady Gaga song he'd put on stereo. Jensen protested at first, but he admits she was starting to be his guilty pleasure.    

 Jensen watches him move so gracefully, his long legs following the pace of the song and it puts a smile on his face, seeing Jared enjoy himself. Jensen thinks, for the first time, he may love Jared, because nothing in the world seems more important than seeing Jared happy. His heart races, his body's confirmation of the new discovered feeling making the blood pump in his veins, blush his face from ears to cheeks. He knows that, no matter what the future leads them, his life would never be the same.

He leaves the food and goes to Jared, holding his by the waist, making unsynchronized moves to the song. He lays his head in Jared's neck, taking his warmth and his smell like life fuel. He starts whispering the lyrics in Jared's ear.

_"I want your love and I want your revenge_

_You and me could write a bad romance."_

Jared chuckled. "I knew you would end up liking her. No one is too good for Lady Gaga."

"Well, it was either like her or stop being around you. I can listen to her music if it means I get to see your pretty face."

"I really am irresistible." Jared smirks and starts to move, he puts his hands on Jensen's hips and guide him to dance like him. Jensen is not the worst dancer in the world, so he gets Jared's moves pretty quick. They dance with their bodies pressed together, Jensen fights the urge to just push Jared into the couch and fuck him because the way he moves his hips against Jensen's already hard dick is so damn sexy. Jensen decides he'll wait, so when the song ends he gives Jared a wet, slow kiss full of promises of what he will do to him and go prepare the food.  

Jensen was nervous that Jared could not like his food, but the way he shamelessly devoured it in a few minutes changed that. Jensen was proud of himself, happy to please him, and determined to always do it in all ways he could. 

When they finish eating, Jensen takes Jared to his bedroom and they lay together on his bed. It's nothing they haven't done before, but it's new all the same. It's the first time Jensen's ever taken someone to his bed and it feels special, especially because it's Jared and he's happy he's the first. Jensen pushes him closer, his hand on Jared's belly, tracing his fingers from his belly button to the line of his boxers under his pants. Jared moves with the sensation, rocking his hips against Jensen's crotch. Jensen presses his palm against Jared's dick, the friction of the jeans on his cock making Jared shivers. Jensen opens the button of Jared's pants and puts his hands inside his boxers, grabs his dick and moves his hand to the length of it, his thumb stroking the head so slightly, moving up and down, slow and firm. He keeps his rhythm until Jared is panting, asking for more.

"What do you want me to do with you?" Jensen whispers in his ear.

"Everything." Jared breathes.  

Jensen, gladly, follows his duty.

After he and Jared fuck until they're soaked in each other's sweat and cum, they take a shower and go back to the living room. Jensen takes Jared to the couch and he lays his head on Jared's lap. Jared picks "The Great Gatsby" on TV to watch, saying something about hope, fate, star crossed lovers and the tragic beauty of it. Jensen listens to him like he's revealing the key for world peace.

They stay like that through the whole movie, Jared sharing his love and excitement for the story and the actors, playing with Jensen's hair and  giving him little forehead kisses now and then. Jensen feels so peaceful and content, he never thought things could be so good, so right.

Jensen was drifting into sleep, when the sound of the door lock startled him. He gets up in time to see his parents entering the room, arriving early from their trip. He looks at Jared and his heart sinks in his chest. He tries to tell him, without words, that it's okay, but he finds no confidence inside himself.

"Hey mom, hey dad. How was your trip?" Jensen asks, taking the control of the situation. He walks to his parents and hugs them.

"Hey, baby." Donna replies. She looks at Jared and smiles. "And who is this? I've never met him before!" She goes to Jared and hugs him.

"Nice to meet you ma'am, I'm Jared." Jared gives her his most adorable smile. He does the same with Alan.

"Jared is a friend of mine, we've met at work." Jensen says. "We were watching a movie, I thought you would come home tomorrow."

"Ask your father, he's the one who couldn't wait another day." Donna gives her husband a hard look. "So, Jared, tell me about you. You're as young as you look?"

Jensen gives Jared a apologizing smile, trying to comfort him. Jared lies perfectly, though, and tells Jensen's mom everything she wants to know without telling the whole truth. Donna and Alan instantly likes Jared, like everyone who ever gets to meet him, Jensen thinks.

Soon, they're all relaxed. Donna tells stories about Jensen that makes Jared laugh and look at Jensen like he's a little kid. Jared shows how intelligent he actually is, talking with Jensen's father about religion and politics, like he's talking about weather. Jensen's chest was twice it's size, full of joy for how well Jared got with his parents.

The sky was already dark when Jensen finally convinced his parents that Jared needed to go home and couldn't stay for dinner. He watches Jared saying goodbye to his parents, both of them hugging and telling him how nice it was to meet him. Jared's smile was so bright and happy, like he accomplished something very important to him. Jensen tells his parents he will give Jared a lift home and they leave.

In the car, Jared's smile softens. "Do you think they liked me?" He asks.

"They never talked so much to someone they've just met before. Believe me, they like you, baby." Jensen smiles. He sees a spark of hope in Jared's eyes, but he doesn't say anything. Jensen knows what he's thinking.

"I'll tell them about me, about us, some day. I just don't think they're ready yet."

"I don't think they'll ever be ready to know their son is dating a hooker." Jared says softly, the words meant to harm only himself.

"They'll get over it. I don't care about that." Jensen puts his hand on Jared's thigh, stroking his thumb up and down.

"I care." Jared says, letting out a heavy sigh. Jensen doesn't know what to say to make him feel better, so he just takes Jared's hand and holds it firmly against his own.

When they get at the brothel, Jared stops to say goodbye in front of the door.

"I'm sorry about what happened. I wanted us to have a nice day together." Jensen apologizes.

"I loved it, sweetie. Your parents are really good people." Jared smiles. "Thank you for lunch, I had a great day." He leans in and kiss Jensen, slow and needy.

Jensen is caught by a sudden fear of losing Jared. His parents knowing of his existence changed things, for better or worse, Jensen didn't know yet, but all the worst scenarios of what could happen cross his mind as a reminder of how different their lives are.

He holds Jared tight, to never let go, and kisses him back with a burning need, making their teeth clash with the intensity; but neither of them stops. Jensen presses one hand in Jared's lower back, pushing him closer, and with the other hand he strokes Jared's face, feeling his soft skin.

When they break the kiss to breathe, Jensen reluctantly says he has to go back home. He hugs Jared one more time, breathing in his smell with eyes closed.

"Good night, sweetie." Jared says. "Thank you, again."

"Good night, baby..." He stops, thinks if it's the right time to say it. "I... love you."

Jared stares at him for a second, then smiles. His eyes shining in the moonlight, tearing up.

"I love you, too." He says and puts his hand on Jensen's face, kisses him again.

* * *

After another month, Jensen forgot about the fear he'd felt that night. Things were still fine between him and Jared and, now that his parents had met him, they could see each other even more.

Jason and him started the band with two other members, Rich and Rob, and they played every day at Rich's house. Jensen would sing, Jason play guitar, Rob play bass and Rich would play the drums, and they were considerably good at it. Sometimes Jensen would go home and write a new lyric, mostly inspired by Jared, and they would play it the next day. 

Jared listened to them every chance he could, always saying how beautiful Jensen's voice were and how much talent he had. Jared would always say how proud he was of Jensen for going after his dream, to which Jensen would reply that he wouldn't be doing any of this if he hadn't met Jared. Then, they would fuck in Rich's bathroom, or inside Jensen's car, or anywhere available, ignoring the boy's screams of how they fucked like horny animals.

Donna invited them for dinner one night, including Jared, and Jensen pretended their parents knew the truth, so he could appreciate the fact that he was having a fun night with his family, his best friends and his boyfriend.

Jensen has never felt so happy.

* * *

 

Jensen was waiting for Jared to take a shower, at the end of the day, so they could go to the park and watch the sunset. Jared always took precautions to keep Jensen from seeing the results of his work when they were together, in his bedroom or on his body, and Jensen appreciated that; but he knows Jared also does it out of shame, and that saddens him. He knows how hard it is to him and wishes he could do something to change that.

When Jared gets out of the shower, Jensen watches quiet as he puts on his clothes. When he's ready, he takes his favorite beanie, now with new flowers pinned to it, cause Jensen always replaced them. Jensen had noticed that Jared only wear his beanie when he's feeling insecure or uncomfortable, so Jensen knows he had a rough day. He puts his hand around Jared's shoulders and kisses his temple, whispering a soft 'I love you' before walking out of the room.

When they're leaving the brothel, Jensen hears a loud laugh behind them on the street. He turns around to see and freezes.

"I can not fucking believe it." The man, named Zach, says. Jensen knew him from his parent's church and he was also a business student. Jensen hated him.

Zach walked to them, his eyes full of mean satisfaction. "I always knew you were a fagot, deep inside, Jensen. But fucking a gay whore is a new low."

Jensen looks at Jared, unable to speak, but he finds no help in his eyes, only fear.

"What is it? Whore ate your tongue?" Zach laughs at his own joke like it's the funniest thing ever.

"What are you doing here?" Jensen asks with all the strength he had in his voice.

 "Oh, I was going to pay for some pussy, but this is much better. Tell me, Jensen, what will your parents do if they find out their son is sucking some hooker's dick?" Jensen could hear the threat and the danger in his voice.

"What I do with my life is not your business. Leave us alone." He demands. Zach smiles and grab Jensen's shirt, pushing him. "You see, it _is_ my problem if I'm going to a church that allows fagots." Jensen knows he can't win a fight against him, cause Zach was always solid, he just hopes it'll end soon.

"Leave him the fuck alone!" Jared screams, kicking Zach. He steps back and lets go of Jensen, he looks at Jared and punches him. "Shut up, stupid whore." He spits.

Jensen throws himself against Zach, blind by rage and tears. He punches him strong enough to bruise his knuckles, Zach takes a step back, looking at Jensen with raw hatred in his eyes. Jared tries to get up and stand in front of Jensen, but Zach gets to him first, pushing him to the floor and kicking his crotch and stomach.

" _Fucking fagot you think you can beat me?!"_  Zach screams. Jared pushes him again and Jensen sees when he takes a rock near the street and throws at Zach. It hits his nose and he screams, blood running down to his mouth. He walks away, screaming threats.

"Your life is ruined! I'm gonna fuck with you, fagots!"

Jensen lays on the ground, the pain freezing him in place. He coughs a little blood and the movement makes his stomach burn so much he fights to stay conscious. He can feel Jared's hands shaking when he runs to check on him.  

"Oh my God Jensen I'm so sorry. Jensen, stay with me please. I'm gonna take you to a hospital." Jared cries, desperate.

Jensen can't say anything, only tries so hard not to move afraid he would pass out from the pain. A minute later, Jared returns with one of his friends from the brothel, Jensen knew her and she was always nice to him. Together, they carry Jensen to her car, his head lying in Jared's lap and she drives them to the nearest hospital.  

Jensen loses consciousness as soon as the car starts moving. 

* * *

 

He wakes up the next morning, takes a minute to remember what happened and where he was, his head still heavy from something he judges to be morphine. He tries to move and his body protests, bringing back the memories of the beating. He looks around for Jared, but he's alone in the room, the curtains around him closed.

Jensen lays his head against the pillow and starts to cry in silence. He tries to wrap his head around the consequences of what happened, but he couldn't even think about them. He was so afraid of what his parents would think of him, of the shame he would bring upon his family, he was feeling guilty and hopeless. Most of all, he was desperate to see Jared, something inside him screaming he had lost him.

The frantic beating of his heart must have called one of the nurse's attention, cause she got to him in a minute. Jensen wipes his tears and asks her what happened after they got there.

"The friends that drove you here left just a few hours ago. They said some guy beat you, and that boy's face was swollen from the punch he got, but he didn't want to let us take care of him. He looked devastated, poor thing... He waited until we stabilized you, but after we asked for your info, he gave us your parents numbers and left with that girl." Jensen heard everything with an increasing despair.

"Where are my parents?" He asks, fearing the answer.

"They got here a hour ago, they're outside talking with the doctor." She sees Jensen's face. "I'll give you something for the pain, don't worry. Tomorrow you'll be at home." She says, but Jensen wasn't even thinking about the pain. No drugs could erase last night from his life.

He shuts his eyes, holding back tears and waits for the inevitable.

* * *

Three days after he woke up in the hospital, Jensen still hadn't heard from Jared. Jensen called, more times than he could count, but he never answered.

His parents haven't talked to him since the day he told them the truth, about him, about Jared and about them. His mother cried, from shame? disappointment? Jensen couldn't tell. His father looked at him with an emotionless expression, and then turned his face away. Jensen felt like he was trying to pretend Jensen wasn't there. Jensen didn't talked to the police, cause he didn't wanted anyone to hear about what happened. His parents didn't asked him to.

His parents hated him and were trying to keep everyone from their church oblivious to the fact their son was gay and dated a hooker. Zach's family never showed up again, but Jensen knew he was waiting for him, probably with everyone laughing at him and Jared.

He didn't went to college and Jason, Rich and Rob called and texted him, but he never answered. Couldn't force himself to pick up the phone. He couldn't face reality and the cruelty of it.

Jared has left him and he was completely alone.

In the morning of the fourth day, Jensen wakes up, but doesn't move. He lays in bed, staring at the ceiling, and begins to cry. He doesn't care if his parents are awake and can hear him, he can't stop the loud sobs that leaves his mouth, a huge weight crushing his chest, a knot inside his throat keeping him from breathing. Jensen cries for everything he had, everything he'd lost, for everything that could be and everything that is. He misses Jared and blames himself for letting him go, for not telling his parents the truth earlier, for not escaping with Jared as soon as they've met. He misses Jared like a limb that got cut out of him with a blind blade.

He cries for what it feels like forever, but when his eyes are completely dry and swollen and his head hurts like a thousand needles were piercing though it, he starts to feel better. The weight crushing his chest lessens and he feels like he can breathe again.

He gets out of bed and takes his guitar, playing random strings, but it was the nearest of being functional he's been in these four days. He plays the whole morning, songs he knew and new songs he was rehearsing with the band. He cries a little more when the lyrics remind him of Jared, but he smiles to the thought of how happy he felt when he was with him.

Jensen only leaves his room in the middle of the day, avoiding his parents and their cold and distant looks. He wants to cook something to eat, but he sees a little note sticked in the microwave and a plate full of food inside. Jensen smiles to the steak and the note that says " _It's your favorite."._ His parents still weren't talking to him, but it was a start. He eats, hungry like he hadn't felt in days.

He thinks that, maybe, he could still fix things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always welcome, but this time they can give you guys a treat! Tell me what you think! xoxo


	7. When we were young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I took so long to post! Life's crazy, but our boy's story is almost coming to it's end! Hope you all like it <3

Jared gets out of the shower, towel wrapped around his waist and water rolling down his chest, to his clean shaven testicles and legs. He enjoys the way the water feels against his smooth, soft skin; the cold night air causing pleasant chills as he walks out of the bathroom.

He didn't had the habit of shaving, but he likes to do it for special occasions. Today is his birthday, he's finally turning seventeen, and Jensen is going to take him out. It's the first time in his life he's going to a romantic dinner, so he wants it to be perfect. He puts one leg on the mattress, carefully unwinding the thigh high fishnets up the length of it, then repeating the action with his other leg; soft pink laced panties, the back stripe softly pressing between his cheeks. He looks in the mirror, thinking Jensen will enjoy the view later, and puts on his clothes. Dark eyes and pink lips, as usual.

When Jensen arrives, they get in the car, Jared's heart racing with excitement. Jensen leans in and gives him a kiss, whispering against his lips.

"Happy birthday, baby." Jared smiles wide, this is the best birthday of his life, mainly because he got Jensen. "Thank you, love."

"So, where are we going?" Jared asks, when they're driving through the streets. Jared had never seen this part of the city, peacefully watching all the lights and beautiful houses along the way.

"Somewhere I've always dreamt of taking my first girlfriend when I was younger." Jensen strokes his thumb over Jared's thigh, a tender touch "Now I'm taking my first boyfriend, and it feels so much better than my teenage dreams." 

The restaurant Jensen takes them has the outside of a classic wooden house, white walls with black windows. Two trees, one of each side of the entrance walkway, shining with Christmas lights enveloped all the way to it's higher branches; the floor covered with small, white garden rocks; squared aluminum tables surrounding the trees in each side. It was a simple, but comfortable, environment, that instantly makes Jared think about _home_ , in an abstract and nostalgic way. 

They hold hands while entering the place. Jared picks a table outside, the moonlight and the cold air making everything more beautiful. They sit on the far right, below the tree lights. Jared smiles to Jensen, who's been watching him with hopeful eyes, wordlessly telling him that he loved the place. He squeezes his hand, before studying the menu and it's unknown food.

"Wow, all these fancy names." He lets out. Jensen chuckles, without taking his eyes off his own card. "Don't worry, there's nothing exotic, just the pretty names and tasty food."

When the waitress comes to pick up their orders, Jared settles for a Caesar salad and a well cooked stake. Jensen laughs, but ends up picking the same, with a side of fries he knew they were going to share. She gives them a smile Jared doesn't see, long lost in Jensen's presence. But he sees Jensen smiling at the girl, thanking her and Jared knows the girl's going to have problems walking back inside, he knows too well the effect Jensen have in everyone. A selfish pride burns inside of him. He smiles, knowing he's the only one who has the same effect in Jensen. Knowing that Jensen's heart belongs to him.

Jared leans in and touches Jensen's face, locking their lips in time for the waitress to start walking away, but still in time for her to see what happened. Jared smiles against Jensen's lips, amused.

"You're mean, you know that?" Jensen asks, laughing, after Jared sits back.

"I don't know what you're talking about, sweetie." Jared grins. "But I can be mean, if you want to."

"Today is your birthday, you're calling all the shots." Jensen winks. "Speaking of... Here's your gift." Jensen gives him a white box tied with a pink ribbon. Jared gives him a "you didn't have to" look, but takes the box with a uncontained smile.

He opens the box to see a pink skirt folded inside, the perfect size to fit Jared's slim waist. Jared had never wore a skirt before, was always scared of looking like an idiot, legs too long and thin, bulge too noticeable. But he always wanted one, always envied those pretty girls and their perfect bodies. Now Jensen is giving him one, thinks he would look pretty in a skirt, too.

"I was thinking about what you said about wearing girly stuff, how brave and incredible you are... I thought I should support you, and I know how you like pink. I think you'd look perfect in a skirt... I hope I'm not going too far." Jensen was babbling nervously.

"I always wanted to wear a skirt, but I was too afraid of looking ridiculous." Jared clarifies. "Thank you, Jen. I love it." He takes Jensen's hand and kiss the tip of his fingers, tries to show his gratitude with every touch.

He never lets go of Jensen's hand, not even when another couple arrives and sits on the table next to them. Jared is proud of himself, more than he's ever been before,  and he's proud of Jensen, too. His boyfriend was so brave, coming out of the closet, slowly but surely, going after his dreams and forming a band, standing up for himself and what he wants to do with his life. He's so proud of both of them.

"You should be able wear it any time you want, no matter what other people think. You could even wear it to work. I want you to feel good about yourself any time you. You know." Jensen continues. Jared's heart grows bigger, happy Jensen's trying so hard to understand what he does, but clenches at the same time, because Jared wishes Jensen didn't had to do it. He tries to smile and nods.

"So, why did you always wanted to bring someone to this place?" Jared asks, changing the subject, when the waitress comes back with their orders.

The food smells delicious and Jared's stomach growls, the waitress still next to them. Jensen laughs at the sound, but is taken by surprise by Jared's pinch in the palm of his hand. "Ouch!" He says, laughing. "I'm sorry, my Queen. The sounds your stomach makes are like birds singing to my ears." Jensen teases, clearly playing with his life.

"You two make a cute couple." The girl says, smiling and walking away.

"Yes, we do." Jensen says, only for Jared to hear. He closes the space between their mouths, kissing Jared and smiling at the same time. Jared wants to freeze this moment and live in it forever. It's perfect, too perfect.

Jensen sits back and starts to cut a piece of his steak, Jared missing his lips already, licking his taste of his lips. They eat, sharing stories between bites and hand rubs between cutting the meat. Jared shares his few good birthday memories with Jensen, making sure he knows none of them will ever compare to the night they're having.

When they order the dessert, Jared offers his ice cream to Jensen and feeds him with the spoon, smiling at the casual and pleasant intimacy. He, then, kisses the taste of Jensen's lips, his tongue greedily sweeping back all the sweet cold taste of Jensen's mouth.

"You asked me why did I always wanted to bring someone to this place." Jensen starts and Jared nods, curious. "When I was a little kid, we moved from Dallas to Austin and it scared me to death that I wouldn't fit here. When my mom found this place, she used to bring me here sometimes and it was always special. Those perfect days when the sun is shining so bright and the sky is so blue you could actually swim in it, I would run around the trees and laugh and just feel so good, you know? Of course, when we're kids everything makes us happy, but it was different. I felt safe, because it reminded me of my old home. Nothing's better than feeling safe, right? "Jensen asks without waiting for an answer."It fills every hole in our hearts. And I knew it was an important thing, to feel safe, and you should feel like that when you're with the person you love, too. Loving someone should feel like going back home after a long time away, love should be comfort in the most strange places, just because you feel safe next to the person you love." Jensen reaches his hand to hold Jared's, smiling. "It was here that I first realized all of this. And I brought you here today, because you're the person who makes me feel safe. Your love is the home I've been looking for ever since I was a kid." Jensen whispers, never breaking eye contact with Jared.

Jared's vision is blurry and he blinks away the tears.

Before he can open his eyes, he feels Jensen's lips against his again. When Jensen whispers the most soft 'I love you' against Jared's mouth, he's afraid everything is just a dream and whishes to never wake up again.

But he does.

* * *

 

He opens his eyes, his left one still too swollen from the punch to open properly. He stares blankly to the ceiling, a painful sting in his chest as he remembers the perfect night he dreamed about. Jensen took Jared for dinner merely two weeks before everything went to shit. It feels like so long ago, like an old painting in a museum: frozen in time and safely protected from the outside world and all his destruction.

It felt so good to live that memory again, Jared would cry if he hadn't cried himself dry last night, before going to sleep.

It's been four days since he left Jensen at the hospital before his parents saw him there. Against every fiber in his being, he left Jensen to suffer the consequences alone, because he knew it would be so much worse if he was there when they found out the truth. That's what he keeps telling himself, seconds before starting to cry again.

Four days and he doesn't know anything about Jensen. He's too afraid of calling, of texting, afraid of stepping out of the fucking door. Afraid of knowing he'd lost Jensen forever.

He still works, though. Doesn't need to go out, all the men go to him. He tries his best to hide the big purple wound around his eye, now turning red, but most of them don't even notice his swollen face, too eager to put him on his back and fuck his ass before they can go back to their pitiful lives. Some of them turn violent and leave marks all over Jared's body. Jared hates every one of them with every piece of his shattered heart.

He would wear the pink skirt Jensen gave to him as his birthday present every day. Not to remind him of his love and comfort, but as a reminder of everything he's lost and will never get back, a knife he uses to stab himself every minute of the day. A reminder that Jensen never got to see him wearing it, and he probably never will. A reminder of how stupid he was to think he could bring any good to Jensen and they could make it work, despite everything that kept them apart.

He would let all the men fuck him like he was a doll, lifeless and worthless. Some of them would fuck Jared raw, use him like an object and Jared would... Just let them. Jared would let all the men fuck him rough and hard, because that's how he feels inside. He didn't want any kindness. But as he's being fucked, he would feel the softness of the fabric of his pink skirt against his skin and immediately think of Jensen's touch, he'd cry and hide his face against the pillow, his choked whimpers causing the man fucking him to move faster, unaware that the sounds coming out of Jared's mouth aren't pleasure.

Last night, a man pushed Jared's skirt so hard it ripped the fabric. Jared kicked him out of the room, taking his money and yelling so hard and so full of hate, the man did nothing but leave, too confused and embarrassed. One of his friends fixed the skirt, and Jared cried himself to sleep. Hugging the skirt so tight, the fabric almost ripped again.

He searches for it on the mess of his bed, founds it beneath his pillow. He can see the sewed line on it's side. It's damaged, just like him. Tainted and spent. The leftover of Jensen's presence in his life, just life he feels now.

His bedroom stinks of come, sweat and sadness. The trashcan near his bed now almost full of used condoms. He can't push himself to care enough, but part of him lets him know he's, at least, getting more money than ever. He could leave the city in a few months with enough money to sustain himself while looking for a new job and going after his dream of being an actor. He pushes the idea away, can't find any spark of hope inside his heart.

He's too sore, can feel his body protest when he moves and his head hurts, from last night's crying, so he doesn't work. He doesn't get out of bed, either. He thinks of Jensen, worries about what his parents could have done to him, worries about his reputation and what that monster, Zach, could have done to it. Wonders if Jensen's entire church now knows he's been dating a hooker. A gay hooker.

He torture himself with guilt and hate. He looks at his phone, dead on top of his dresser, but can't turn it on. He knows Jensen would try to find a way of talking to him, would want to make things right, but Jared couldn't do that to him. He needs to keep himself away, let Jensen live his life without Jared fucking it up. It's cruel to let Jensen in the dark, he knows, and hates himself even more for it. He's just too afraid of what he could have done to Jensen's life.

Another part of him is afraid Jensen didn't even tried to reach him at all.

* * *

 

Jared doesn't remember when he'd fall asleep, but when he wakes up again the sky is deep orange in the final hours of sunlight. Jared moves, fighting his urge to stay in bed the rest of the night, and manages to get to his bathroom, ignoring the pain in his stomach. He hasn't feel like eating these past few days. He looks in the mirror, to the worse version of himself until this day. His belly growls as the disgust sensation runs through his body.

Just four days without Jensen.

He gets into the shower, angry. Rubs his skin until it's pink and sore, like if he cleans hard enough he'll wash away the filth of how he feels, too. But when he steps out of the bathroom, he's actually feeling just a little bit better.

He can force his feet outside, the tradition finally speaking louder than his self destruction, automatically guiding him to the park to watch the final minutes of the sunset. It's the first time he gets out of the brothel after what happened, and he's afraid. Hiding under his beanie (there's no flowers pinned to it anymore- Jensen wasn't there to pin new ones after the others died) and his hoodie, Jared fears a random person could just jump and start beating the shit out of him, like Zach did to Jensen, just because he was outside, because the filthy whore should be locked away, far from the decent people.

He's starting to regret coming out already, but he continues to walk. Repeats over and over to himself that nothing is going to happen. And nothing does.

He sits on his favorite bench and watches, like he's done countless times, the sun goes down as the moon slowly climbs its way up. Jared remembers what Jensen said to him on his birthday about feeling safe, places that remind you of home. This is it, for Jared. Sitting in the park, watching the sunset; it's Jared's safe place.

He suddenly feels the need to tell his discovery to Jensen, share the feeling with him and hold his hand. Tell him that Jensen is his home, too.

But Jensen isn't here. So he intertwine his own fingers together and cries a little more, smiling at how fucking stupid he looks pretending his own hand is Jensen's, but he does it anyway. It helps.

He stays in the park long after the night is set. Needs to put himself together after start crying again for three times, but eventually he finds his courage again. The courage to live again, to make a plan and move on, even if he still doesn't know to _where_.

He knows he should just let Jensen go, but _God_ , he can't do it. Not this time.

He needs to fix things.

* * *

 

His life falls into a routine. Jared wakes up; tries to dampen the pain inside his chest, sometimes he cry, sometimes he just holds the pillow and screams his pain away; he takes a shower and gets ready for work, still wearing the pink skirt - only this time it reminds him of something else; after, he travels downtown and doesn't come back until late, going back to the brothel only to sleep. And he dreams of Jensen every night.

Eventually, he charges his phone again, a month after the day it all ended. That day, he listens to all the messages Jensen's left him. His parents weren't talking to him and he needed Jared, he was alone. His parents tried their best to hide the truth about him, but his church now knew he was gay, and he was alone. He wasn't doing well in college, he's scared and alone. He's crying in some of them, begging Jared to pick up his phone so they could talk. Then, he stops calling. The last message is from a week ago.

Jensen gets why Jared is keeping him away, doesn't blame him. His parents are talking to him again, but things still aren't the same. Jason, Rich and Rob are helping him in college, he's happy he's found such good friends and their band is doing great. Jared is Jensen's inspiration to every letter he's wrote. Jensen misses him, but he's ready to let Jared go, if that's what he wants. He's forever grateful for everything Jared taught him about life and love. He says he loves him and goodbye.

Jared started crying the second he heard Jensen's voice in the first message and doesn't stop even after the last one. Everything inside him screams to him to break the phone, to run away, it's easier and less painful. He wants to open his chest and rip his own heart out. He should've done this a long time ago, and now it's too late. He fucked things up again and he should just take the opportunity and let Jensen move on without him, like he should.

But he's selfish, and he doesn't.

Jensen answer the call in the second beep. Jared holds his breath. He can hear Jensen's heavy breathing on the other side.

"Jared?" A whisper. Jared sobs instantly, can't say anything. _God_ , he misses him so fucking much. "Jared? Oh my god, baby I've missed you so much. Please, _please_ , talk to me, baby." Jensen's voice breaks, so full of emotion Jared can feel it through the line.

Jared takes a deep breath, is used to having to put himself together by now. "I'm so fucking sorry, Jen." It's all he can think of.

"Please, let me see you, baby. I need to see you. I need to see you, Jared." Jensen sounds almost desperate, just like Jared feels.

"We can't, Jensen. Yet. I can't... I can't do this to you again. Can't see you get hurt because of me, again. I'm poison, don't you see!" Jared cries. He needs to hang up now, it hurts so fucking much. He's not ready yet.

Jared can hear Jensen is starting to cry, too. He could swear, if he had a gun he would be pulling the trigger right now.

"Listen, our band is doing a small concert next week. Jason's dad got us a nice place, not many people. Come see us, please. Just... We need to talk. Then, I can leave you alone. Please, I just need to see you, Jay. Baby..." Jensen's voice is so _fucking hurt_ , Jared wants to hurt himself. He's the reason Jensen feels this way, it's his fucking fault and he hates himself for doing this to the only man he's ever loved.

"God, Jen. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, please, believe me..." Jared sobs again.

"I know you are, Jay. And it kills me. All I want is to take your pain away." Jensen whispers. Jared can't hear this anymore. Even if he's not ready yet, he needs to do this. For Jensen, because _he_ needs him to do it.

"Of course I'll go watch your concert." He sighs. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Jared can barely remember the few words full of relief and the choked 'I love you' Jensen's said to him before saying goodbye.

He's going to see Jensen again.

He cries himself to sleep again, this time from pure relief, a pained smile on his lips.

* * *

 

Jensen sent him the address of the pub the band was going to play at. It was small, maybe 200 people when crowded, but comfy. It was a nice place for new born bands to perform and be noticed. Jared knows how talented the boys are and is happy to see they could start something big tonight.

Jared is nervous right before entering the pub. Jensen warned security he could come backstage, so he could see Jensen before the show, and Jared feels weird. He's afraid of how Jensen will react, how angry he is at Jared for disappearing for so long.

He walks nervously through the hall besides the stage, loud music playing. He finds the door of the dressing room and stops in front of it, heart racing with apprehension and anxiety. He takes a deep breath and knocks once.

The door opens and Jared is pushed inside before he can even exhale. He feels big and warm hands grabbing the back of his shirt so hard he's afraid they'll tear it in half. He wouldn't mind that, at all.

"Shh. Don't say anything." Jensen whispers so close to Jared's ear he feels the heat against his skin. He feels Jensen's mouth and nose pressing hard on his neck, like he's trying to morph their bodies into one.

Jared mirrors his movement, burying his face on Jensen's neck. Jared didn't realized he was shaking until Jensen's heat starts to calm him. Just being near Jensen again, feeling his warmth and hearing the sound of his breathing and the sensation of his skin makes Jared so relieved and relaxed he feels dizzy.

 

Jared just wraps his arms around Jensen in a death grip and freezes. How could anything between them be considered wrong, when their bodies fit so perfectly together? Why should it be wrong if they found their home in each other?

It was fucking unfair. But it was **_not fucking wrong._**

Jensen tries to move, but Jared just squeezes him harder. "Shh, shh it's okay, baby" Jensen starts kissing his way up Jared's neck, so desperate and fast the noises make Jared chuckle. He closes his eyes when Jensen starts kissing every piece of his face, the amount of protectiveness and love almost floating around Jensen like an aura.

"You're so thin and you look sick" Jensen whispers between kisses. "But still so beautiful. Wanna take care of you, _need_ to take care of you."

The feeling is so fucking mutual.

Jared opens his eyes and cups Jensen's face with both hands. Watery eyes meeting for a second before closing their lips together.

Licking Jensen's lips with and opening them, dance of tongues taking soft moans of pleasure and relief, fingers tracing lightly on skin. It feels like heaven. Feels like coming home after a very long time away. God, he had no idea how much he missed Jensen, how he still miss him, still feel the need to press him closer, feel him against every cell on Jared's body.

All of Jared's senses full of Jensen, like a drug, filling him but leaving a sour taste of _more_. More, always more. He could never take enough of Jensen and he fucking knows it.

There was never an option but fight to keep what is his. And Jensen is his, his boyfriend, his friend, his _home._ There's no other way but the way they'll walk together.

He breaks the kiss, whispering that they need to talk, but Jensen only seals their lips together again.

"No, no, not now." He whispers, bringing their foreheads together, eyes shut tight. "If you're going to break my heart again, at least wait till after the show."

"That's no-"  The door opens and the boys enter the room.

"Jared! Good to see you again." Jason smiles to him. "Listen, you two love birds can continue the heart to heart later? We kind of have a show to make now."

"Yeah, please. You're not going to make out on stage, too, right?" Rich raises his eyebrows.

They're acting like Jared wasn't M.I.A for a whole month and hadn't break Jensen's heart, making Jared feel comfortable and even more guilty. They're his friends, too, and he had missed them.

"Shit, boy, you're still growing? This is so unfair!" Rob cries, pushing Jared slightly on the arm. They all laugh, even Jensen who's been dead quiet.

"Come on, Jensen! I'm so nervous, if we don't do this now I don't think I could do it again." Rich begs. They pick their stuff and walk to the door again.

"You guys will rock, tonight." Jared smiles and turns to Jensen again, pushing his chin up and kissing his lips. "I love you, Jen." Only for them to hear. "I'm not going anywhere."

Jensen smiles, so happy, so full of love. Jared knows, even if all the bullies and homophobes in the world tried to keep him from making Jensen smile like that again, he would win.


End file.
